Letting Go
by Jedi-Princess-Solo
Summary: [vignette] Anakin Solo's dying thoughts as he rejoins the Force in SbS


**Letting Go (Anakin SbS vignette)

* * *

**

To be a Jedi is to be a living sacrifice.

We are extensions of the Force, its right hand and flaming sword.

Our lives are never our own, not really. We belong to the Force, the cradle which gave us life, the river which will claim us when our time has come.

When the Force has need of us, our lives are given freely.

That is what it means to be a Jedi.

I had lost sight of that for a time, of our simplest and truest purpose. With darkness pressing in on the galaxy and war ravaging every world in its path, I had forgotten that the Force works in mysterious ways. The shadow may descend, but not forever, the Force will always find a way to bring back the light.

My grandfather was living proof of that.

And now, like my grandfather and namesake before me, I find myself answering the Force's call one last time.

I go to my death because the Force has asked it of me.

So that someone else won't have to.

Someone like Tahiri.

Or Jaina.

Or even Jacen.

They are in the forefront of my thoughts now, as my cells begin to burn out under the strain of pouring the Force through every pore of my body just another second longer.

I'm dying, so that they can live.

And somehow, that makes everything okay.

As long as they survive, I can embrace the Force without fear.

It's strange, I know that I am in pain, that my body is shutting down even as I continue driving myself forward, but I can't feel it anymore. I'm beyond it now, in a place outside of myself where there is only the Force. My feet move on their own, my hand guides my lightsaber to where it needs to be, but it's as if I am already gone.

Already dead and leaving this world behind.

I wonder if Chewie felt this way, right before the end, with Sernpidal's moon barreling down over him.

Somehow, he's with me now, just out of sight.

Lending me his strength, his courage, as my own slips away.

He'll be there waiting when this is all over, when I become one with the Force and shed this earthly skin, I'm certain of it.

But this world isn't yet ready to let me go, not without a fight anyway.

Jaya isn't leaving.

She's still firing into the mass of Yuuzhan Vong converging on me, stubborn until the last.

There is nothing she can do, nothing can stop this now, and what she is doing now is meaningless, it won't make a difference, and she knows it.

I tell her to go, to go now while there's time, but she isn't moving.

Over the comm-link she's saying she can't.

And I know it's true.

She can't leave me, she never could.

All those times when I was scared or hurt when we were little, whenever someone got it into their head to kidnap us, Jaina took care of me. She was just as scared as I was, but she would put on a brave face and hold my hand, promising everything would be okay.

That's what big sisters do.

Now here we are, practically grown and Jedi Knights, and Jaina is still trying to protect me.

But she can't protect me from this.

That doesn't mean she won't keep trying, of course, even after I fall she'll keep fighting my enemies, keep fighting my war.

She's prepared to die with me, and I love her for that.

But I can't let her.

Jaina has work to do, important work, whether she knows it or not. The Force has plans for her, she has a special destiny awaiting, one only she can fulfill.

I knew it the moment I took an amphistaff to the spleen trying to save her.

But I didn't do it for destiny, or even for the Force. I tried to save Jaina for the same reason she is still firing at the Yuuzhan Vong warriors closing in on me rather than fleeing like the others.

Love is a powerful force in its own right.

And because I love my sister, I have to send her away, even though a part of me wants her here with me until the end. Wants to hear her voice, feel her touch on my mind, to know that I am not alone when death comes to collect me.

_Jacen,_ I reach out to my last hope.

Always my brother, only recently my friend again.

He knows what I am asking before I even get the words out, and I can feel his grief, his pain, his guilt, swirling inside of me like hot tears. It is killing him to leave me, but he knows it is too late.

I'm already dead.

_Take her,_ I breath. _Kiss Tahiri for me._

Tahiri is not here to see this, I sent her ahead because I knew that I would not leave this arena alive.

I had to send her away, so that she wouldn't have to carry the memory of my death inside of her for the rest of her life. She'll feel it, I can't shield her from that, and even if I could I no longer have the strength to try. Tahiri knows I am dying, I saw it in her eyes, but she cannot accept it.

There was supposed to be so much more for us, we were supposed to have time.

I only just realized the depth of my feelings for her, feelings that we never got a chance to properly explore, and it pains me to know that love will go unfulfilled.

We could have had forever, if the Yuuzhan Vong had never come.

It's not fair, and I know that Tahiri will lament that when I'm gone, that she'll linger in this place of stolen futures and shattered dreams, of the life we could have had together in a different world.

I reach out for her, one last time, just to feel her presence.

To know that she is strong, that she is beautiful.

That she is alive.

_Anakin..._

I feel her sudden alarm, her fear, and I know that my time is ending.

And a galaxy away, my mother's heart is shattering.

I try to shield myself from her pain, but it washes over me, like a waterfall pounding on my chest, and I let my eyes fall closed, drawing on the memory of her smile, the warmth of her embrace.

The smell of her hair, the sound of her laughter.

My earliest memories, my first sparks of awareness, were of her.

We used to sit together, and she would hold me and tell me stories about Alderaan as I drifted off to sleep. I can feel her arms around me now, holding me as my eyes begin to grow heavy. Though it is killing her, she will hold me until I am gone.

And after, close in her heart.

My father cannot touch the Force, but I can feel him with me just the same.

He's at her shoulder, smiling down at me and brushing hair from my eyes, the familiar scent of his skin and comforting as the roughness of his palm.

The last lingering doubts about his anger over Chewie's death are gone now.

All I can remember now is his strong hands hoisting me onto his shoulders, keeping me steady.

They're all with me at the end.

Mom, Dad, Jaina, Jacen and Tahiri.

Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara.

Even little Ben.

Scattered across the galaxy like a dozen brilliant stars, they're all a part of me in my final moments, and I will all of my strength and love back into them.

_I love you,_ I send out into the Force, entrusting them all to its care.

And I smile, for them.

Then I let go.


End file.
